The Earth Pope

Marketing the New and Improved Religion

This just in!  The marketing news we have all been waiting for.  The Vatican is set to dump limbo!  Of course the Pope didn't just decide this on his own.  The Vatican's International Theological Commission spent several years on this thorny issue and God only knows how they were able to come to this conclusion or what evidence they used to substantiate their position.  What is certain, according the Vatican, is that unbaptiszed babies who die do not go to limbo anymore.  They go straight to Heaven.

Of course the issue of limbo is a concern for the Vatican because infant mortality rates are very high in the Catholicism growth regions of the world. Not only is the Church up against some competing faiths in these areas but worse yet, new converts are having to come to grips with a belief system that worships a harsh and vindictive Supreme Being, one who would banish unbaptized babies who die to the no place of limbo.  What kind of God is that?

The cultivation of these new Christian consumers, many of them in Africa, requires that seemingly radical measures like eliminating limbo be implemented quickly lest they begin to question the institution of expedient explotation delivered by the missionaries of capitalism.  For as the good book says "they all cometh seeking money and gold, yet findth thy oil."

The Niger Delta in Nigeria is one example of what the Vatican is distressed about. Oil corporations, those bulldozers of capitalism, are plundering the people and the environment to such an extent that women have commendered oil terminals and gunmen attack vessels supporting the oil rigs. The flock of cardinals and bishops have to know that people so desperate that they risk their unbaptized lives to stop the pillage of their ancestral lands will also be questioning the attributes of the merciful Heavenly Father that the Vatican is selling.  If the God marketed by the Vatican can be cruel enough to send dead unbaptized babies into the eternal void, what else will he do?  Will he also chuck into hell the souls of those brave enough to stand-up to the corporations and stop the harsh and cruel business practices that defile the earth and contaminate the commons?

The marketing coup from limbo elimination may actually prove to be short-lived and could be the beginnings of the Vatican's undoing.  Without the "limbo buffer" there are no more gray areas, just the black and white of heaven and hell.  This is good news for many of the world's poor since their lives are already hell on earth.   With the limbo ruling they are now guarenteed full passage to heaven without any baptismal rituals or endless church donations needing to be suffered by them.

Praise the Lord!   

 

It's Just Greenwash

It's everywhere!  Eco-green is the new shade of marketing this season and almost every magazine, newspaper and TV talk show is jumping on the environmental bandwagon to demonstrate that they are serious about the issue of severe climate change and impending global upheaval that is predicted to result from the lack of any country doing much of anything serious about it.

Nowhere is this clarion call for action demonstrated to really be more of a gleeful cackle of corporate executives ringing up profits than in the latest Vanity Fair "2nd Annual Green Issue" sporting on its cover a striking pose of a Leonardo DiCaprio who is so hot the ice he is standing on is actually melting under his feet.  Next to him is the cute polar bear cub Knut, Berlin's rock star of endangered species, who is generating controversy on his own as Animal Rights activists call for his execution due to his being raised by humans instead of his mother.

What gives away the real agenda of the Vanity Fair senior honchos isn't the horde of sexually oriented advertisements selling the scents, clothes, jewelry and cars you will need to generate the animal magnetism necessary to attract men and women of the caliber of desirability shown in the layouts.  No, we all know that advertising revenue is the bread and butter of these magazines.  Without it we won't be able to have articles like Jungle Law, Global Citizens and Quiet Thunder in this edition. What really gives it away is the disgusting Diesel "Global Warming Ready" ads beginning on page 173.

In the first ad a sexy young woman drives a motorboat loaded with shopping bags away from a partially submerged London.  Her pouty lips and firm inner thighs convey a sense of consumer confidence that overcomes even the inconveniences of global warming.  In the next ad a man and woman share an intimate glass of water on a sun drenched roof with a submerged Manhattan skyline in the background.  In the final ad a man smears sunscreen on a woman embracing a palm tree on a beach while the eyes of Mount Rushmore presidents peer just above the waves.

How can Vanity Fair allow this kind of advertising in a "Green" issue?  Because the green is the shade of money and the editors at this magazine have no standards which prevent accepting advertising money from a company named Diesel of all things, that promotes "successful living" in the form of dressing in expensive denim, unbuttoned shirts and preparing to fornicate while the rest of the world slowly sinks below the raising water.

Remember, nothing says debauchery quite like Diesel!

Fungal Terrorists

The possibility of fungal terrorists occurred to me a few weeks ago as two totally separate but related events happened that suddenly revealed a context previously unseen.  Once I saw the implications I immediately realized the potential global impact but I didn't have any evidence to back-up my theory, until now, that is.

I had just returned from my doctor's office where I have to go every few months to get treatment for a particularly obstinate fungus that lives on my skin.  As the fungus multiples it aggravates my skin, causing rashes and a burning itch, so every so often I take a fungicide to control the population.  My doctor says that she has seen an increase in patients who have various forms of fungus and that the medical science isn't sure what is causing the fungal surge.

A week or two later I was in my garden engaged in hand-to-stem combat with the weeds when my neighbor came over for a quick confession of her recent eco-sin.  After hearing her confession and giving absolution she offered up a warning by showing me her bandaged hand.  It seems that she had contracted a very rare fungal infection either from her rose bushes or the compost she had just purchased.  Without any prompting from me she laid back the gauze covering to expose a coin-sized blister that was blood red.

"They had to do a biopsy"she indicated the single stitch next to the bleached skin where the sore had been drained.  "I'm going to have to take a 6-month regimen of fungicides to try and stop its growth and I'm worried about my liver", she went on to say. I just stared at her because I couldn't believe there were deadly fungi on the prowl in our neighborhood. 

"But you wear gloves in the garden all the time, don't you?" I whined, looking at my own bare hands and scanning for unidentified fungal pores.

"Yes, all the time so I have no idea how I got it" she said tucking in the wound with the bandage blanket.

This got me thinking about the connection between global warming and brazen fungi that could encouraged to attack humans as the planet warms.  Just as the fear was regressing I ran across this article on the connection between fungi and global warming that confirms my fears.  They are not only encouraged but they are thriving.  And some are now coming out twice a year.

So keep a close eye on your little itches and get those biking shorts into the washer, now!