The Earth Pope

Bibleman

I mean how wrong can I be?  Back in an October blog I made a comment that Christians would probably soon be marketing a new super hero to replace Jesus and little did I know at the time that Bibleman was already on the scene.  And he wasn't just fighting evil and all sorts of badness in the world, he was vertically integrated in the young consumer market.  He has action figure friends, costumes, a sword "of the spirit", and of course a Biblegirl.  Doesn't that just freak you out of your pew?

It's one thing to consume for the god of your choice but it is quite another to capitalize on the fears of others to make a fast buck under the guise of serving Christianity.  Take a look for yourself at this appalling video game trailer of Bibleman going after the worst villain of all--Whacky Protester.   

No, I'm not kidding!  The religious "love thy neighbor" crowd is teaching young children to use force (and the bible of course) to make sure that God's word makes the world a better place, even if it has to kill everything to do it.  Fortunately, it has to be one of the ugliest video game products to ever hit the market so I am not concerned about huge amounts of people buying this. 

What is frightening though is the titles of the videos.  Whack Protester is in "A Fight for Faith" and Biblegirl was introduced to the audience in "Breaking the Bonds of Disobedience."  I haven't watched any of these videos so I can't say just how scary they are.  But if the trailer is an indication of what Bibleman and his flexible faith healers are up to then we should all say immediate prayers to our god or goddess of choice.

Making a Christian Killing

Sometimes the news provides deeper insights into the state of the world, not necessarily by the quality of journalism but by the simple juxtaposition of articles in the paper.  The first story I recently saw dealt with the fact that the Roman Catholic Church in Santa Barbara is ordering nuns out of convents so they can liquidate the buildings to help pay off $660 million owed to the victims of pedophile priests. This is not a pretty picture for the Church.  Kicking out nuns who help the poor while the priests, part of the very brotherhood accused and convicted of molesting children, get to keep their own homes.  But this is an old story of women paying the price for the sins of the man.

The second story concerns the growing movement among ministers and pastors who are using the violent video game "Halo" to lure young, primarily male congregates to their churches.  This video game is violent enough to receive an "M" rating, requiring that the purchaser be at least 17 years old but that doesn't stop the ministers from having boys as young as 12 try to kill each other inside the House of the Lord. 

Do you see a common theme here?  Young males are being molested by the Church, whether physically or mentally violated and it is all being facilitated by men pretending to preach "the good word".  Allowing children to derive pleasure from killing, in any form, is against one of the bedrock commandments of these Christian con men but isn't that how they have always packaged the marketing message of their religion?  Death sells and redemption from sins, especially those associated with "thou shalt not kill" is just too tempting to use to get new blood in the door because the numbers of Christians is on the decline.

Another part of this agenda is evidenced by David Drexlar , Youth Director at the Country Bible Church  in Ashby, Minnesota who says, "We have to find something that these kids are interested in doing that doesn't involve drugs, or alcohol or premarital sex."  Those are the things that really scare the bejesus  out of the clergy and it is really no surprise.  There haven't been any (that I could find) killings of ministers, priests or pastors inside a church but there have been several episodes where these leading Christian figureheads have fallen from grace because of the evils of sex, alcohol, drugs and that evil of all evils, the lust for money.

How can we forget names like Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker who were all removed from their positions of religious power for illicit sex and, in some cases, drug use or accounting fraud.  It seems that the repression of sexual urges can burst out and tarnish the names of even good Christian men causing them to betray their partners, their flock and their entire TV ministry.  Damn the sins of the flesh!

But I have the answer for all of these Christian denominations.  It will raise boatloads of money, attract the attention of young boys and help with the healing process for the thousands of children traumatized at the hands of men of the cloth.  And it might just make the nuns feel a bit better about the world at the same time.  Here's the idea--create a violent video game where abused children hunt pedophile priests in the corridors of giant cathedrals from around the world.  Think about it.  For a small fee teams of players representing different churches could hunt child groping priests as they seek shelter in churches in different countries.  It would be educational and deeply satisfying.  The church with the most "kills" wins.

One of the best parts would be that there is no sin in this business model.  The dead priests would be forgiven by their God for the sins they have made on Earth so there is no down side there.  The shooters don't even have to worry about sinning since, as Kendrick Kenerly, founder of Christian Gamers Online points out, "I'm not walking up to someone with a pistol and shooting them.  I"m shooting pixels on a screen." 

All that is needed is a super hero replacement for their own Christian super hero--Jesus.  I have no doubt that out there somewhere some capitalist Christian has created an entire enterprise around a bible thumping super hero.  It's just a matter of time.

Thumbing Our Noses

With the closing of the World Weekly News I was wondering if the recent newspaper story on the Dugger family wasn't just a hoax by a displaced WWN staff writer.  I couldn't believe that the quarter page story was true but there in front of me was a picture of a woman on a hospital bed holding her newest child, surrounded by her other 16 children.  That's right, it is not a typo.  The Dugger family of Arkansas now has 17 children and it doesn't seem that they are planning to stop there, at least not according to Jim Bob, the leader of the clan.

The title of the cutesy article was "Counting Noses" but I immediately thought it should be titled "Thumbing Our Noses" because that is just what Jim Bob and Michelle are doing to the rest of the world by having so many kids.  I don't know about you but there is something obscene and rapacious about that level of reproduction.  It is not a "gift from God" as this family believes but more of a blight on the world at large.  Anyone not wedded to Fox News knows that there are vast populations around the world living in abject poverty without enough food or clean water for themselves, let alone their families.

But here in America's Heartland affluent (by global standards) hard core Christians reproduce like a demonic duplicators cranking out mega-consumer after mega-consumer who will waste more food and water each year than are consumed by small villages in Asia.  This one family, now so large that they may need their own zip code, seems to think that this is all predestined by their God, a supreme being who just loves to laugh because he knows humans aren't smarter than microbes.

The volatile mixture of far right wing ideology with delusional divinity gives us these mega-families who believe that they have the right to make as many consumers as they want as long as they pay for their production.  As long as they aren't on welfare or food stamps or other government handouts then it is perfectly fine to procreate until you have your own congregation to interpret the good book to.

If this family, who proclaim their love for the Lord and their faith in Jesus Christ, love children so damn much why don't they open up their hearts and wallet to the orphans of the world?  If not the world, then how about the orphans here in the United States?  There are thousands of children that could use the vast amounts of love this family declares it has.  What is stopping Jim Bob and his amazingly fertile wife Michelle from tying off their tubes (his or hers) and untying the purse strings so that a few orphans can have a fair chance at making a life for themselves?

But we all know it isn't about love or religion or the good work of the Lord.  It is about that fiendish fifteen minutes of fame that is more addicting than heroin and that leads to that holiest of all grails--corporate sponsorship.  This foundation for future fortune was laid down with the Dugger Family Website.  It allowed them to position themselves for the possibility of wealth accumulation and God knows they must need some money to support all those children.  The question I have is how on Earth can this family have time to host a freaking website! 

Don't get me wrong.  These Dugger's are smart and they are demonstrating that the right-wing Christian coalition is better at business then the liberal-minded, minimal children nature worshiping heathens trying to profit by going green and saving the Earth. They have made it to the America mainstream by having their own show on the Discovery channel, a web page on Discovery Health and a game called "Name That Dugger". 

If that doesn't say Brand America I don't know what does!

Marketing the New and Improved Religion

This just in!  The marketing news we have all been waiting for.  The Vatican is set to dump limbo!  Of course the Pope didn't just decide this on his own.  The Vatican's International Theological Commission spent several years on this thorny issue and God only knows how they were able to come to this conclusion or what evidence they used to substantiate their position.  What is certain, according the Vatican, is that unbaptiszed babies who die do not go to limbo anymore.  They go straight to Heaven.

Of course the issue of limbo is a concern for the Vatican because infant mortality rates are very high in the Catholicism growth regions of the world. Not only is the Church up against some competing faiths in these areas but worse yet, new converts are having to come to grips with a belief system that worships a harsh and vindictive Supreme Being, one who would banish unbaptized babies who die to the no place of limbo.  What kind of God is that?

The cultivation of these new Christian consumers, many of them in Africa, requires that seemingly radical measures like eliminating limbo be implemented quickly lest they begin to question the institution of expedient explotation delivered by the missionaries of capitalism.  For as the good book says "they all cometh seeking money and gold, yet findth thy oil."

The Niger Delta in Nigeria is one example of what the Vatican is distressed about. Oil corporations, those bulldozers of capitalism, are plundering the people and the environment to such an extent that women have commendered oil terminals and gunmen attack vessels supporting the oil rigs. The flock of cardinals and bishops have to know that people so desperate that they risk their unbaptized lives to stop the pillage of their ancestral lands will also be questioning the attributes of the merciful Heavenly Father that the Vatican is selling.  If the God marketed by the Vatican can be cruel enough to send dead unbaptized babies into the eternal void, what else will he do?  Will he also chuck into hell the souls of those brave enough to stand-up to the corporations and stop the harsh and cruel business practices that defile the earth and contaminate the commons?

The marketing coup from limbo elimination may actually prove to be short-lived and could be the beginnings of the Vatican's undoing.  Without the "limbo buffer" there are no more gray areas, just the black and white of heaven and hell.  This is good news for many of the world's poor since their lives are already hell on earth.   With the limbo ruling they are now guarenteed full passage to heaven without any baptismal rituals or endless church donations needing to be suffered by them.

Praise the Lord!   

 

Marketing Sin

Is Christianity a great religion or what?  By focusing on sin and forgiveness churches have a ready-made mix that is sure to keep the masses coming back for more. 

This was recently evidenced by the Catholic Church in a study that shows the resiliency of religious faith in forgiving the Roman Catholic Church sexual abuse scandals.  While the study did find that Catholics were still not contributing to the “diocesan financial appeals” in the traditional pay-to-pray system it did uncover that Catholics were able to “disconnect their own personal faith” from the tainted priests and continue their Catholic practices.

Another term for this ability to “disconnect” when more than 10,000 young people have been victimized by sexual abuse is schizophrenia. It is this same schizophrenic mode of operation that allows all of us to continue our American Way of Life even though we know the polar bears are perishing and mass extinctions are happening on a global scale.

If Catholics can forgive their own priests, the leaders of their house of worship, for sexually abusing thousands and thousands of young people, what does this say about our own ability to forgive our schizophrenic lifestyles that are literally destroying the biological diversity of the planet?

It says we are schizophrenic petroleum addicts, sedating ourselves by surfing through our 200-channel cable TV service and not even interested in redemption from our daily eco-sins because we are almost totally disconnected from nature. As John Steinbeck pointed out, one of the biggest threats is that we are all submerged in “listless self-satisfaction.”

We might be going down for the last time.
      

Eco-sin Confessing

Eco-sin Confessing

Welcome to the Church of the Last Laugh, where the Earth Pope provides absolutions for your eco-sins.  In today’s hectic chaotic world that seems to be spiraling out of control, millions and millions of people around the world, regardless of religious persuasion, are struggling to stay alive, keep the spirit and keep the Earth habitable, not only for human beings but for all species. 

Here is a fear-free zone where you can choose to either confess your eco-sin publicly by leaving it here for everyone to read and comment on, or if you need more privacy, click on "Email Me" and the Earth Pope will provide absolution to you in a private communication.

Let the Earth Pope be the first to confess:

I enjoy lawn mower racing and I practice several times per week.  I am planning on entering the 2007 circuit of the Sta-Bil National Lawn Mower Racing Series.

I have tested positive for PMFLE, Polymorphic Fluorescent Light Eruption.  This requires that I only use incandescent lights throughout my church and residence.

Due to my intense lawn mower training and the prickly rash from the PMFLE I have a tendency to shower several times a day.   

So, let these be the first online confessions to start the groundswell of people unburdening their environmental sins, freeing themselves from the guilt that oppresses us all like a stifling blanket of conformity as we struggle to get out from under this yoke of the accepted American Way of Life.

And once the yoke is lifted the laughter will rush in, raising us all to the challenge of living like there is a tomorrow for us all.